I have the answer to ALL your problems!

Hello to my New BEST Friends!

Are you looking to make THIRTEEN FIGURES this year??? 

How much IS that?  1,000,000,000,000!!!!!!!!!!


You can earn it working part-time while you lounge by the pool and drink Margaritas!!  With your new and expanded income, you can build your own pool, hire the staff to clean it AND have them serve you on a silver platter.


You know you want it!!!!!

You know you need it!!!!!

And I have THE offer for you!!!!!

It’s best thing since beer in a can!!!!!

It’s the best thing since sliced bread!!!!!

It’s all that and a bag of chips!!!

And, you’ll lose weight too!!!!!


They said, “Build it and they will come.”

I built it and here you are! I opened my arms wide and created one big sales funnel.

Sign up now and I GUARANTEE your dreams will come true.  You will generate income streams in your sleep.  It’s so easy a baby could do it.  Money will pour in while you watch cat videos on Facebook!


So what is it and how does it work?


Sign up here for my new video series:  1,000,000,000 in TEN WEEKS.money bag

Lesson One:  Connect with Elves, Fairies and Pixes while avoiding Gnomes

Just pay me $25,000 first.

Lesson Two:  Finding Your One True Unicorn

Pay me another $25,000 before watching and learn how I found mine.

Lesson Three:  Dancing Under the Rainbow Tree

You guessed it!  $25,000 and you can watch this incredible five minute video.

Lesson Four:  Taking it to the Bank

Final payment of $25,000 so I can take it to the bank too  – because we are sharing the


Of course, you’ll want to STAY CONNECTED to your spirit so I

GUARANTEE that you will feel 50% more connected to

Your Favorite Source of Divine Energy!

After each video, you will have a chance to TALK TO ME LIVE!

Ask questions about my no-fail method of getting rich and gaining enlightenment without landing in hot water with the IRS.

Fortune tellers will also be on hand to answer your questions.


Sign up soon because this special offer WON’T LAST LONG!!!!




Guaranteed or your money back (penalties and interest, fees and surcharges apply with restrictions).


Testimonial from Satisfied Customer:

OMG!  Loran is my new BFF!

My life hasn’t been the same since I took Loran’s new ecourse 1,000,000,000 in TEN WEEKS. It literally changed my life!! Before, I used to work 75 hrs a week earning barely enough to make ends meet – I despaired that I would ever make anything of my life. I felt so disconnected from my true calling, like my soul was being slowly sucked out of me. But then I found Loran. Now I ride my unicorn to work, buy designer shoes and fly first class around the world. I only work 2 hrs a day and spend the rest of of my time working on my tan.

And I owe it all to Loran’s ecourse. I love you Loran!!

OK, so you know I’m kidding, right? 

Writing a sales page is a challenge, especially taking what “everybody” says into account.  I just had to vent a little.  I’m tired of reading sales pages like this that make it sound so easy to get what you want by paying some guru to give it to you.  The truth is it’s time-consuming and hard work.




  1. Dee on May 3, 2013 at 3:46 pm

    ROFL. I think it’s because guys invented marketing…and we women have followed in their hormonally hyped up nonsense. Crazy, isn’t it?!

    • Loran Hills on May 4, 2013 at 8:58 pm

      It wouldn’t be the first or the last time it happened, would it, Dee?

  2. Jo Crawford on May 3, 2013 at 5:47 pm

    Love this so very much. Thanks Loran for unveiling the truth that there’s no secret formula. I’ll be chuckling about this for days 🙂
    Jo Crawford recently posted..Nourish Yourself with Sacred Me TimeMy Profile

    • Loran Hills on May 4, 2013 at 8:59 pm

      No secret formula, Jo, just Lucky Charms!

  3. Isobel on May 4, 2013 at 1:01 am

    Haha! I get your frustration 🙂 Of course the people who respond to that kind of crap sales letter probably aren’t the people you want to work with anyway. On the other hand …. watching my own reactions to sales letters, part of me definitely wants to believe the hype and if it’s not there at all the copy feels a little flat.
    Isobel recently posted..One Year Lived: How to Do More in a Year Than Most People Do in a LifetimeMy Profile

    • Loran Hills on May 4, 2013 at 9:00 pm

      It’s hard to find the balance between hype and being genuine without being boring, Isobel.

  4. Lindsay on May 4, 2013 at 1:38 am

    I love this hahahaha. You just made my day!
    Lindsay recently posted..[A month in review] AprilMy Profile

    • Loran Hills on May 4, 2013 at 9:01 pm

      Thanks, Lindsay!

  5. Charlotte on May 4, 2013 at 2:48 am

    Oh brilliant!! This made me laugh so much.

    • Loran Hills on May 4, 2013 at 9:04 pm

      It really makes me happy when I can make people laugh, Charlotte.

  6. Liz on May 4, 2013 at 9:00 am

    THANK YOU! For a REALLY good giggle! This type of salesy hype is such a turn off to me. The way to strike the note of authentic marketing is sharing your passion from your heart….let your angels and power animals guide you. I do. ((smile)). Thank you for modeling this Loran! AND big thanks to Tami Vitale for sharing your post. <3, Liz

    • Loran Hills on May 4, 2013 at 9:03 pm

      I had a few giggles writing this, Liz. It was fun to lighten up and laugh about my launch.

  7. Tammy Vitale on May 4, 2013 at 9:39 am

    Loran – forget finding your soul, you need to start teaching others how to write awesome sales copy – this absolutely has to be the best I’ve ever read!
    Tammy Vitale recently posted..Shift into Hell YES!! – A Personal Retreat PracticeMy Profile

    • Loran Hills on May 4, 2013 at 9:04 pm

      Thanks, Tammy. I really appreciate your support.

  8. Cigdem Kobu on May 4, 2013 at 6:25 pm

    Love this Loran! Brilliant!
    I mean, the real sales page, of course 😉

    • Loran Hills on May 4, 2013 at 9:05 pm

      Thanks, Cigdem.

  9. Lori Stalter on May 6, 2013 at 9:32 am

    Loran? Hon? Are you feeling better now? lol

    You crack me up.

    So if this ends up being the most wildly successful and most read blog post you have on your blog, are you going to create this product? 😀
    Lori Stalter recently posted..The Hula Hoop is back! Does it really reduce your waist?My Profile

    • Loran Hills on May 6, 2013 at 9:38 am

      🙂 Why, yes! I do feel better. It has been my most successful post and I do wish I could create such a product!

      • Lori Stalter on May 21, 2013 at 5:40 am

        I had to come back for another read and chuckle. I’m right in the middle of learning what makes a good sales page and trying to write one that doesn’t sound like one of those late 1970’s ads…”But wait! There’s More! And buy within the next 10 minutes for a SPECIAL DISCOUNT! Operators are standing by…..”
        Lori Stalter recently posted..Weight loss over 40; Avoid these 10 pitfalls for greatest successMy Profile

  10. Priska on May 25, 2013 at 1:05 am


    This made me laugh out loud and everyone around is wondering whats happened, they wouldn’t understand because they don’t have a blog.

    On the serious side I so relate to your struggle and I am a long way from developing a product.

    I’ve been told that my about page is a sales page and I need to get it right. I have followed all of the instructions and still am a long way from getting it right, instead I’m more confused than ever. But I will persist rewriting it every month or two until I feel that I have landed at the crossroads between hype and authenticity.

    I’m now off to read your other sales page.
    Priska recently posted..10 steps to take you toward your mid-life reinvention.My Profile

  11. Business Success As A Journey - Dee Morrison on August 19, 2013 at 10:25 pm

    […] Do you ever feel that despite the plethora of information on the world-wide web, that business success is a mystery?  Do you feel like everyone is making six or seven figures but you?  Do you feel swamped by the sheer number of coaching, webinar, live event offers and other training opportunities coming your way?  Well welcome to the club!  A friend of mine recently did a blog about all the noise, noise, noise on the internet business frontier these days and it totally cracked me up; you can check it out here! […]

  12. Bo Mackison on September 24, 2013 at 7:43 am

    Perfect parody.

    Disappointed that there were no ginza knives. But can’t have everything….

    • Loran Hills on September 24, 2013 at 10:41 am

      Maybe next time, Bo!

Leave a Comment

CommentLuv badge